Mommy (and Daddy) Dearest

I'll start this post with a quick update: I never called Early Intervention for Grayson. I'm still thinking about it. Call me a bad mother, but I think I might wait until his next appointment for a second opinion. He's seeing a different pediatrician in the office, and I am just wondering what she might say, as opposed to the last doctor.

In just a few short days, this motley crew is headed to Florida! 

Anyway, moving on. I have not had a fantastic week this week. It seems my post partum (if you could still call it that) has really raised its ugly head. I didn't think that 10 1/2 months after having a baby this would still be an issue, but apparently I was wrong. It's been very hard stress wise, because there is a lot on my plate, and Danny and I have been fighting. It's probably my fault, considering I have been just getting so sad at the drop of a hat. I shouldn't be sad really. The family and I are leaving for Florida in a few days to see my cousin, who is like a sister to me. There's lots planned, but the stressful part of it is that there is a wedding we have to go to, a wedding which will most likely entail the presence of my mother.

My mother is not a horrible person, its just that we don't see eye to eye. We never have. My mother and father were like the kids when I was growing up, forcing me to act like the adult in the situation. I don't exactly blame them, they got married young, and had me young. As I grew up, that didn't change. My father and I had a worse relationship. He was and is a controlling person, who has to have his way constantly. This was something I lived with, and thought things would change. They never did. Long story short, after I got married, I wasn't controllable anymore, and he didn't like it. He has said nasty things to my family about me, called me up to name call, and when I said he had to stop or he wouldn't see my kids, he got worse. (The reason I threaten that is because when I was growing up, he used to badmouth my grandparents so badly they cried. I never wanted my kids to go through that, and if he could do that sort of thing to his own children, whose to stop him from doing the same to his grandkids?) It got to such a point that he tried to take me to court for grandparents visitation, and I haven't talked to him since. It's been close to 4 years. He has never met Sydney or Grayson, and Cassie was 1 last she saw him. My mother talks to me, but stood next to her husband while all this was going on, so that kind of hurts. She is very flighty, and as much as I beg her to see me or the kids, she doesn't show up 99% of the time.

That is why I am stressed out about Florida. As much fun as it is supposed to be, will I have to pretend everything is ok? My mother is all about appearances, and with the extended family being there, its going to be hard to keep up the charade. Plus the fact that Cassie clings to her, wanting to be with her more, and I wish that would happen. Sadly, to my mother, she has to stand by her husband side, and it angers me so much that she picks my jerk of a father over her daughter and grandkids.

Things would just be better if I could just forgive my father (who hasn't said he's sorry for all the horrible things he's said about me publicly), but I can't. I had done it for so many years, to the point where even today I have ZERO self esteem, but it hurts so much. I just hope I can focus on my cousin, Legoland, the beach, and everything else that's good about this trip instead of the "family" drama.

xoxo