Mommy (and Daddy) Dearest

I'll start this post with a quick update: I never called Early Intervention for Grayson. I'm still thinking about it. Call me a bad mother, but I think I might wait until his next appointment for a second opinion. He's seeing a different pediatrician in the office, and I am just wondering what she might say, as opposed to the last doctor.

In just a few short days, this motley crew is headed to Florida! 

Anyway, moving on. I have not had a fantastic week this week. It seems my post partum (if you could still call it that) has really raised its ugly head. I didn't think that 10 1/2 months after having a baby this would still be an issue, but apparently I was wrong. It's been very hard stress wise, because there is a lot on my plate, and Danny and I have been fighting. It's probably my fault, considering I have been just getting so sad at the drop of a hat. I shouldn't be sad really. The family and I are leaving for Florida in a few days to see my cousin, who is like a sister to me. There's lots planned, but the stressful part of it is that there is a wedding we have to go to, a wedding which will most likely entail the presence of my mother.

My mother is not a horrible person, its just that we don't see eye to eye. We never have. My mother and father were like the kids when I was growing up, forcing me to act like the adult in the situation. I don't exactly blame them, they got married young, and had me young. As I grew up, that didn't change. My father and I had a worse relationship. He was and is a controlling person, who has to have his way constantly. This was something I lived with, and thought things would change. They never did. Long story short, after I got married, I wasn't controllable anymore, and he didn't like it. He has said nasty things to my family about me, called me up to name call, and when I said he had to stop or he wouldn't see my kids, he got worse. (The reason I threaten that is because when I was growing up, he used to badmouth my grandparents so badly they cried. I never wanted my kids to go through that, and if he could do that sort of thing to his own children, whose to stop him from doing the same to his grandkids?) It got to such a point that he tried to take me to court for grandparents visitation, and I haven't talked to him since. It's been close to 4 years. He has never met Sydney or Grayson, and Cassie was 1 last she saw him. My mother talks to me, but stood next to her husband while all this was going on, so that kind of hurts. She is very flighty, and as much as I beg her to see me or the kids, she doesn't show up 99% of the time.

That is why I am stressed out about Florida. As much fun as it is supposed to be, will I have to pretend everything is ok? My mother is all about appearances, and with the extended family being there, its going to be hard to keep up the charade. Plus the fact that Cassie clings to her, wanting to be with her more, and I wish that would happen. Sadly, to my mother, she has to stand by her husband side, and it angers me so much that she picks my jerk of a father over her daughter and grandkids.

Things would just be better if I could just forgive my father (who hasn't said he's sorry for all the horrible things he's said about me publicly), but I can't. I had done it for so many years, to the point where even today I have ZERO self esteem, but it hurts so much. I just hope I can focus on my cousin, Legoland, the beach, and everything else that's good about this trip instead of the "family" drama.

xoxo

Autism Speaks

Wow! I got a lot of hits and comments on IG in support of my blog, so I'm moving forward! Thank you for reading! :)

I was going to write about my ill fated visit from my mother, but something else has come up that I want to write about.

Grayson and the tree's latest deposit of leaves

Grayson had his 10 month appointment last week, and it started without incident. He weighs the size of a small hippo, and is as tall as one too! Ha! He smiled his way through the entire thing, which is always a plus considering the girls hate going to the doctors. I thought I would be out of there quickly, but then came the curveball:

"Mrs. Lynch, we think your son has a form of autism". What??? How could this be? Considering the sheer amount of parenting magazines available, I consider myself pretty well versed on the signs. How could I miss this? His pediatrician conducted a few tests and asked questions regarding his motor skills and whatnot. Apparently he was a prime candidate for Early Intervention. The doctor gave me the number, told me to call, and left. I was shell shocked! (Grayson on the other hand, smiled away).

Now here's the dilemma: given that I live in New Jersey, the state with one of the highest rates of childhood autism, could it be possible that its the latest over diagnosis, and that at any little sign a doctor is willing to just slap a label on him? Here are the things the doctor listed as reasons for his thinking:

1. Grayson does not stand on his own, nor does he try really. He also doesn't crawl. He only started sitting on his own at a little over 8 months.

2. He won't hold his bottle, feed himself, or do pincer grasp.

3. He only says "dada" (which I think is pretty great!)

4. There are certain reflexes babies are supposed to have by now, and Grayson does not demonstrate them. There are other "little" signs, but way too many to list.

To me, it just seems like he is being a little lazy. Am I in denial? I am really scared to call Early Intervention, for the fear of the label. I am not trying to be a bad mother, I just really think my boy is fine. Am I doing him a disservice by sitting on the fence like this? I'm giving myself until Friday to make a decision, and my husband is adamantly saying not to do it. I just want to make sure that if it IS something, even if its small, I get Grayson the help he needs.

What do you fellow mommies think?

xoxo

Once Upon A Time

Before I want to start my little journey into blogging therapy (ha!), I want to make sure that I tell everyone a little bit of background, so they get to know me first! Every good story has a beginning so here goes:

Once upon a time...there lived a mommy in the area known as the Jersey Shore. She met her now- husband years ago, when she was barely into her twenties. He had a young son (Andrew, 3 at the time), who she started to have a close bond with. A little while after, she was blessed to welcome a fabulous little girl named Cassandra, and even though they were not married, she was the happiest woman in the world. A year later, her dream came true and they were made husband and wife. After many tries, another precious daughter named Sydney came along. And much to their surprise, they welcomed son Grayson 18 months later. 10 months after that, the blended family lived happily ever after.

God I wish. On the surface, all that is true. But there's always a back story, right? The fact that I live at the Jersey Shore is great, but living in a 2 bedroom condo with my family is not lost on me. Yes, I should be happy that I have a roof over my head, and yes, we are planning on moving very very soon, but it still bothers me daily.

Don't forget the battles that my husband and his ex wife have. The fights make me feel horrible, because no one should ever fight this much, ever, and half the time my husband hides them from me just to "protect" me in some odd way. I just wish that there could be civility between them.

Don't forget the reason I left college. I am not ready to actually type it out, but I am close (even though the incident was 11 years ago).

And don't forget the fact that I haven't spoken to my own father in years, and my mother, who I beg to come visit her own grandchildren, will a lot of the time make excuses not to, just because she will always defer to my father. My heart gets broken a lot by this.

Lastly, don't forget to add the post partum depression that still is here. So bad, in fact, that I sometimes don't want to leave the house and just want to be with my kids, which is hard, because I work at a Joe's Crab Shack restaurant, where I spend lots of late night hours. Glorious right?

I want to proceed with another question: with knowing all of this, is anyone willing to proceed and read this, or is it all just unnecessary bitching? I ask because I found that my IG friends are my "net" (Laura in particular xoxo), and I feel like opening up more will help me in my depression, but I am afraid to lose some people. Don't worry: its not ALL going to be a bitch-fest. There's some great things that happen too.

So, what's it going to be? I need to know soon because my mother ACTUALLY visited yesterday and I need to talk about it. Ha!!

xoxo

Taking The Leap

I've tried this blogging thing before, but I hadn't done well. Why? Because I don't think I was honest in what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to make it so it would be a therapy session of what was going on, but it ended up that I would leave out all of the things that I really wanted to say, for fear of someone being upset about what they read. In the end, I wasn't happy.

This time will be different though. Instead of posting and advertising on Facebook, I'm going to only to let my instagram friends know about it. They are moms who understand, who are not judgemental, and are supportive. I must warn you that it's not going to be all lollipops and unicorns, and I don't have the perfect life at all, but this is me and my life. I can't really apologize for that!

So the future stories are coming soon.  I figured I'd get this disclaimer out first! I hope you all take the leap of faith with me.

Xoxo